What is a sex therapist?
Q: Your profile says that you are a sex therapist -- I bet that gets some funny looks when you tell people what you do for a living. I would think there are many misconceptions about what that means to go to sex therapy. How would you describe your work and is it something that most people would benefit from?
A: Yes, I am a sex and relationship therapist, and yes, I do get some funny looks. I also get some very curious and interested looks. I think many people feel embarrassed or uncertain at first when they think about contacting a sex therapist, yet, in a society that is so sex negative, everyone could use some expansion work around sexuality. I’ve personally experienced transformation work around my own sexuality which completely changed my life and I want to bring this experience to others. Additionally, I work with people on having the most fulfilling, communicative and intimate and sexy relationships possible and see huge differences in people's overall happiness when they do this kind of relationship work. The type of sex therapy that Danielle and I offer (www.celesteanddanielle.com) is all about experience and embodiment so it is not just talking, but also actually feeling the difference that connection with your partner and with the full expression of your sexuality can bring.
A: Yes, I am a sex and relationship therapist, and yes, I do get some funny looks. I also get some very curious and interested looks. I think many people feel embarrassed or uncertain at first when they think about contacting a sex therapist, yet, in a society that is so sex negative, everyone could use some expansion work around sexuality. I’ve personally experienced transformation work around my own sexuality which completely changed my life and I want to bring this experience to others. Additionally, I work with people on having the most fulfilling, communicative and intimate and sexy relationships possible and see huge differences in people's overall happiness when they do this kind of relationship work. The type of sex therapy that Danielle and I offer (www.celesteanddanielle.com) is all about experience and embodiment so it is not just talking, but also actually feeling the difference that connection with your partner and with the full expression of your sexuality can bring.
Q: You bring up a lot of interesting topics to discuss. First, you use the word "embodiment" and on your site the word "bodywork."
I thought I was already having sex using my body. What do those words mean and what might I be missing out on during sex that you can teach me?
A: That's a great question because you are right, we all have sex with our bodies. Often, when we are having sex, however, we are so tense, preoccupied (with getting to orgasm, with other things in our life or with our partners pleasure for example), that we don't actually feel the sensations in our own body. Through techniques of embodiment, including breath, movement and touch, we begin to deepen our relationship with our body so that we can feel so much more during sensual and sexual experiences. In addition, because the memories of our life experiences and the emotions that result from them are held in our bodies, body-based therapy also helps us heal from trauma and create healthy patterns in our own life. In this way, we end up with a deeper sense of awareness, freedom and the ability to make the best choices for ourselves in every area of our life.
A: That's a great question because you are right, we all have sex with our bodies. Often, when we are having sex, however, we are so tense, preoccupied (with getting to orgasm, with other things in our life or with our partners pleasure for example), that we don't actually feel the sensations in our own body. Through techniques of embodiment, including breath, movement and touch, we begin to deepen our relationship with our body so that we can feel so much more during sensual and sexual experiences. In addition, because the memories of our life experiences and the emotions that result from them are held in our bodies, body-based therapy also helps us heal from trauma and create healthy patterns in our own life. In this way, we end up with a deeper sense of awareness, freedom and the ability to make the best choices for ourselves in every area of our life.
Q: You mentioned negative attitudes about sex. Looking at men, what negative beliefs or thoughts do you find most common in them that block them from having great sex?
A: I think the negative beliefs that men hold that block them from having great sex are the feeling that their desire is not ok or may be harmful to women. While, on the one hand men are told to "sew their wild oats" and get another "notch on the belt", on the other hand, they are also told that women are not sexual or interested in sex, so they often feel ambivalent about their own desire, hold it inside so as not to be intrusive and end up missing out on a lot of opportunities to engage sexually and to fully express all of their sexual desires and fantasies. Another unhelpful lesson that men get is that sex is all about penis performance when there is so much more to sex than just a hard and lasting erection. So, while it can be wonderful to function at your highest level and we help men do that all the time, it is also important for men to explore and understand what it is they (and their partners) are looking to FEEL in sexual experiences. Focusing on sensation and the exchange of emotion (including passion, power, playfulness, etc) can bring in whole new dimensions of pleasure and intensity.
A: I think the negative beliefs that men hold that block them from having great sex are the feeling that their desire is not ok or may be harmful to women. While, on the one hand men are told to "sew their wild oats" and get another "notch on the belt", on the other hand, they are also told that women are not sexual or interested in sex, so they often feel ambivalent about their own desire, hold it inside so as not to be intrusive and end up missing out on a lot of opportunities to engage sexually and to fully express all of their sexual desires and fantasies. Another unhelpful lesson that men get is that sex is all about penis performance when there is so much more to sex than just a hard and lasting erection. So, while it can be wonderful to function at your highest level and we help men do that all the time, it is also important for men to explore and understand what it is they (and their partners) are looking to FEEL in sexual experiences. Focusing on sensation and the exchange of emotion (including passion, power, playfulness, etc) can bring in whole new dimensions of pleasure and intensity.
Q: So that we have symmetry, asking about women, what negative beliefs or thoughts do you find most common in them that block them from having great sex?
A: From an early age, girls are socialized to feel that sex is not for them, but for boys. They are told that they are supposed to save their virginity, that it is something special about them and that starting to have sex, especially with more than one partner will get them pregnant and labeled a slut. Because of these fear-filled messages, women experience their own desire as dangerous and distance from it and they don't prioritize sex in their lives. Another very detrimental attitude women hold is that they have to look perfect before they can allow themselves to fully experience their pleasure. Women are under attack by a constant barrage of imagery that tells them why and how to hate their bodies. This distance from and hatred for our bodies, leads women to hide themselves during sex or watch themselves from outside their body with a critical eye, both of which take them far away from their own sensations and experiences of pleasure. By reconnecting with and loving their bodies and by owning their sexuality and desire, women will experience a deeper sense of themselves and their power in every aspect of their lives. We help women do this every day.
A: From an early age, girls are socialized to feel that sex is not for them, but for boys. They are told that they are supposed to save their virginity, that it is something special about them and that starting to have sex, especially with more than one partner will get them pregnant and labeled a slut. Because of these fear-filled messages, women experience their own desire as dangerous and distance from it and they don't prioritize sex in their lives. Another very detrimental attitude women hold is that they have to look perfect before they can allow themselves to fully experience their pleasure. Women are under attack by a constant barrage of imagery that tells them why and how to hate their bodies. This distance from and hatred for our bodies, leads women to hide themselves during sex or watch themselves from outside their body with a critical eye, both of which take them far away from their own sensations and experiences of pleasure. By reconnecting with and loving their bodies and by owning their sexuality and desire, women will experience a deeper sense of themselves and their power in every aspect of their lives. We help women do this every day.
Q: There seems to be a lot that both men and women could benefit from in working with a sex and relationship therapist. If I made an appointment with you, what should I expect during my first visit?
A: During your first visit, we would talk a bit about your thoughts, feelings and experiences around sexuality, intimacy and relationships. I would also help you zero in and identify your desires around the therapy. Then, we would move into some kind of embodiment or experiential work so that you can immediately feel the difference in your body and your life. What is most amazing about this type of body-based work is how quickly transformation happens. Once you experience a new way of feeling or being, you can easily experience it again out it the world and so we begin with experiencing right away, while, at the same time being very attuned to the pace that feels right for you.
A: During your first visit, we would talk a bit about your thoughts, feelings and experiences around sexuality, intimacy and relationships. I would also help you zero in and identify your desires around the therapy. Then, we would move into some kind of embodiment or experiential work so that you can immediately feel the difference in your body and your life. What is most amazing about this type of body-based work is how quickly transformation happens. Once you experience a new way of feeling or being, you can easily experience it again out it the world and so we begin with experiencing right away, while, at the same time being very attuned to the pace that feels right for you.
Q: From what you have said so far, "embodiment or experiential work" means that I'm doing more than just talking about sex, that I'm somehow experiencing sex in therapy. I would think that would lead to some fears or maybe some unrealistic expectations of what is going to happen. Could you elaborate a little more about that aspect of what you do? Also, do I ever have to take my cloths off?
A: It is probably more precise to stay that you would experience erotic energy in therapy and there are many ways to do this. In session, we always stay within the comfort zone of the client, so you aren't ever required to do anything you don't want to do. We talk about what we are going to do before we do it and discuss what comes up during the experience. Experiencing erotic energy can happen through breathwork, self-touch, visualizations, or touch from one of us, either clothed or unclothed. We are both Certified Sexological Bodyworkers, which allows us to do hands-on work with our clients, however, as therapists, we remain clothed during these experiences. Through this kind of experiential work, you get to actually learn with your body what is possible and you may be surprised at all you are capable of!
A: It is probably more precise to stay that you would experience erotic energy in therapy and there are many ways to do this. In session, we always stay within the comfort zone of the client, so you aren't ever required to do anything you don't want to do. We talk about what we are going to do before we do it and discuss what comes up during the experience. Experiencing erotic energy can happen through breathwork, self-touch, visualizations, or touch from one of us, either clothed or unclothed. We are both Certified Sexological Bodyworkers, which allows us to do hands-on work with our clients, however, as therapists, we remain clothed during these experiences. Through this kind of experiential work, you get to actually learn with your body what is possible and you may be surprised at all you are capable of!
Q: Final question, this is much different from my experience with traditional "talk" therapy. Do you view this therapy as a "better" way to deal with sexual/intimacy issues than other forms of therapy? Do other more traditional therapists refer people to you? And finally, what is the best way to contact you if I would like to book an appointment?
A: The entire field of therapy is changing in the face of new findings that including somatic (or body-based) work into therapy is the most efficient and effective path to transformation. Our clients give us constant feedback about the changes in their lives and often compare their experiences to the slowness of many traditional forms of talk therapy. We do get referrals from many wonderful therapists, especially when their clients want to work directly with their own sexuality or with their partners around sex and intimacy. Also, many therapists refer clients to our workshops, where people can learn to be wonderful lovers to current or future partners. The best ways to contact us for an appointment are by emailing info@celesteanddanielle.com or calling (415) 336-3258. Thank you so much for all of your wonderful questions and may you enjoy all the beautiful eroticism the world has in store for you!
A: The entire field of therapy is changing in the face of new findings that including somatic (or body-based) work into therapy is the most efficient and effective path to transformation. Our clients give us constant feedback about the changes in their lives and often compare their experiences to the slowness of many traditional forms of talk therapy. We do get referrals from many wonderful therapists, especially when their clients want to work directly with their own sexuality or with their partners around sex and intimacy. Also, many therapists refer clients to our workshops, where people can learn to be wonderful lovers to current or future partners. The best ways to contact us for an appointment are by emailing info@celesteanddanielle.com or calling (415) 336-3258. Thank you so much for all of your wonderful questions and may you enjoy all the beautiful eroticism the world has in store for you!
